Originally sent to Scary Mommy, was not accepted

While I was off work, I sent several pieces to Scary Mommy, and none of them were accepted. I was annoyed at first, but the more I read of them, the more I realized that this publication has WAY too much content, and as a result, doesn't have great quality. Some articles in fact are just plain wrong. So I don't care anymore.

However, I still do want to share my thoughts, so I will repost one submission here. I'm no longer breastfeeding, but when I was, I was super self-conscious about doing so in public, and swore I never would. But things didn't quite work out that way. Here's why...

Before my son was born, I vowed to breastfeed him exclusively if I could, though I didn’t want to breastfeed him in public. It’s not that I was particularly ashamed of my breasts, but I didn’t want people to stare, and I know how judgy society can be. There shouldn’t be a stigma against public breastfeeding, but there is, and I would rather have done my errands without getting into a confrontation. Avoiding breastfeeding in public, I thought, would have been the simplest way to accomplish this.
However, after I had my son, this proved more difficult than I thought, and I eventually just thought, eh, screw it, I’m feeding him. If people have issues, that’s their problem. But it took me awhile to come to this realization. Here are the steps that led me there.

1. I don’t want to breastfeed outside of my own house. That’s ok, though,  I can just order everything we need online.
2. No, there are some things we need to go out for. I’ll send the husband.
3. Aaagh, what was I thinking? I’m going crazy. I need to get out of the house. Alright, I’ll plan to go out IMMEDIATELY after the baby has eaten, so he won’t need to eat while we’re out.
4. Ok, so that doesn’t work. He’s off his schedule. ABANDON SHIP! I need to get this kid home STAT and feed him.
5. Well, we still need stuff. So I’ll leave the baby home with husband, who can feed him expressed breast milk while I run errands.
6. Ok, so now I need to pump because otherwise my breasts will explode. I’m going to be really obnoxious and lock myself in the Starbucks bathroom for 15 minutes. Sorry, everyone. Except not really. Crap, where do I store it?
7. Ok, fine, I’ll bring the baby with me. I’ll just give him a bottle.
8. Nope, still need to pump. I can’t pump and feed him at the same time. Ow ow ow.
9. Ok, let’s try this again. Let me just check ahead of time to see if the place has a “family room” where I can feed him in private.
10. No family room? Do you at least have a corner where I can cover both of us up so it looks like someone just left a pile of stuff behind?
11. Well, this is even more awkward. And hot. Maybe I’ll just cover the baby. That’s cool, right? People will just ignore me.
12. Oh god, everyone is staring. And he’s not eating now because he wants to maintain eye contact with me. Hurry up and eat, kid! I want to leave with some of my dignity intact!
13. Alright, screw it, let’s take this blanket off you. If my nipple pops out of your mouth, I’ll just hide it quickly with a burp cloth or something.
14. Aaaaaaaaaand there’s my nipple. Hello, world!
15. Screw it. I’m done. Do you strangers with your mouths agape know how annoying this process is? If you don’t like it, you can leave.

To be clear, I never had an issue with other women breastfeeding in public; I just thought it wasn’t for me. It’s still not, but we do what we have to. I have learned, though, that it’s much easier to deal with a few side-eyes from judgy strangers and have a happy, well-fed baby, than it is to deal with a hungry, screaming infant. People would judge me for that, too, so it’s really a no-win situation. Welcome to motherhood!

Things I say now that are totally normal

Is that my snot or his?

Ooops, missed a week

My goal was to update every Sunday. I have already failed.

But that's fine, I'm beholden to no one but myself.

Good and bad things this weekend. On a good note, LO is sitting up! He still face plants and falls backwards but it's a start.

He also started teething. That's.... fun.

As for the bad, LO had croup again for the second time since he's been born. It sounds terrible -- barking cough, can hear him breathing, it's difficult for him to cry/coo, and apparently he had a severe case of it. Husband took him to the pediatrician, who said he should do a breathing treatment which they don't offer, so transferred him to the ER. ... Say what now? If it had been me taking him to the doctor, I would have FREAKED OUT. But it ended up being fine. He'll go back to day care tomorrow.

Everyday I am grateful that I have a partner. It would be incredibly difficult to do this on my own. We were both exhausted yesterday because of sick baby and just baby brain in general, and I said to him that it's a good thing LO has both of us, because there is a whole brain between us. How do single parents do it?